Posted in #NotetoSelf, #NotetoUs, Healing, Healthy Mom, Infant Mom, Motherhood, New Mommy, SAHM, Stay at home mom

New Mommy…Week 31

My big boy!!๐Ÿ˜Š With every passing day I feel more excitement and anguish, simultaneously! My son is growing, evolving, blossoming and changing; as he should. However, I can’t help but feel proud and nervous. ๐Ÿ˜ฌ I’m so happy AJ’s progressing as he should, even advancing in some areas. I’m also equally in angst!๐Ÿ˜ฉ The totally helpless newborn child I brought home 7 months ago is now becoming increasingly independent. Of course he still needs me, it’s just interesting to watch him pull away.

Who knew I’d feel so much conflict in my heart over these things? I remember the first night we spent in our home. All I could do was cry and wonder why I even left the hospital! (I left a day early)!๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ I didn’t know what to do with my son other than breastfeed and change him. It was awesomely gruesome and amazing.

Speaking of breastfeeding, I’m currently at pro status.๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜† It’s almost become second nature. I could not imagine ever reaching this point. I’m so grateful and would actually love to assist new moms in the process, it’s SO fulfilling! Women are incredibly resilient! Our bodies are meticulous machines, sort of, lol!! I’m so proud of us all! And in complete awe!!โค๏ธโค๏ธ We. Rock!!

My son is still an absolute blessing! Even during frustrating moments! His growing independence can be a pain point for us both! I can no longer sit him in a corner and let him be! He wants to get into everything! I wish I could let him sometimes! Lol! It breaks my heart I can’t let him be free! But my heart smiles at the idea of his development! I’m SO torn!๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ

In conclusion…my life has changed for the best, in every sense….even when I don’t see or feel it…I know it’s true! Austin Josiah has made us all better!๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™

Until the next time…

Posted in #NotetoSelf, #NotetoUs, Healing, Healthy Mom, Infant Mom, Motherhood, New Mommy, SAHM, Stay at home mom

New Mommy…Week 30

Tomorrow, I’ll have a 7 month old little boy.๐Ÿ˜ŠHe’s somewhere between size 4 and 5 diapers and size 9 and 12 month clothes. Oh, he can’t wear most shoes because his feet are SO chunky ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ Currently, he seems to go to bed one size and wake up another.๐Ÿ˜ณ

Since I’ve become a SAHM (you all know what that is by now, lol) his growth spurts scare me. Everything breaks down to a dollar amount. I’m almost tempted to throw a “my baby’s growing too fast” shower!๐Ÿ™ƒ It’s 2019, we’re done with tradition right?!?! I should just be a trendsetter! Lol!! Maybe I’ll work up the nerve to actually do it. Who knows?!?!

Aside from his physical growth, my AJ’s personality is blossoming. His sense of humor tickles me. He has his dad’s laugh and my goofy behavior when he gets sleepy.๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ Every. Single. Thing is funny to me when I’m tired, he’s the same way.๐Ÿ˜Š He has his dad’s patience and my frustration when I can’t figure something out. He has my precocious ways and his dad’s curiosity. He seriously the perfect combination of us, even his looks.๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™

Having a baby at 35 has been the epitome of life changing. I don’t believe I would’ve left my job if I didn’t become a mom. I’m learning SO much about myself as a person in general. I see my strengths: an amazing caretaker, loving mother, detail oriented, determined and wise. However I also see the areas I could use development: patience, control (I try so hard to control everything, it’s awful), trust in God and others to take care of my son and negative thinking. That one, terrible!! ๐Ÿ˜“ It’s so exhausting. I think the worst, every time. I’m sure I need to talk to someone about this. It can’t be healthy.๐Ÿ˜ฃ

All in all, becoming a parent has made me brave and intentional about being whole. Emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. I want to be my best self. I don’t ever want my son sitting in therapy because of Mommy wounds.๐Ÿ˜ณ I know what that’s like. And I’m determined to give him the best foundation possible. I know I’m human. I know I’ll make mistakes. I also know, he doesn’t have to suffer at my hands. It starts with me becoming well. Stay tuned….

#NotetoSelf #NotetoUs

Posted in #NotetoSelf, #NotetoUs, Healing, Love and Marriage, Uncategorized, Who am I??

It Happened…..

Prior to marriage I firmly believed I’d be the woman who’d balance her career, hobbies, ministries, relationships, businesses, marriage and self love. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

There was absolutely no doubt in my mind I’d find the formula and execute well. Even when I gained 70 pounds (like literally a 10 year old attached themselves to my body) BEFORE marriage, I already had a plan to get the weight off and keep my pre-marital sexy going. ๐Ÿ™„ I had all the plans, encouraging sayings, and great intentions, then….

IT HAPPENED!!!

One day, I had no idea what I liked. I couldn’t figure out what I should wear. I wasn’t sure how I felt about my makeup. I couldn’t think of things to do without my husband. I hadn’t visited family or friends (without my husband) or gone shopping for myself. I had become everything I dreaded! I WAS ALL ABOUT MY HUSBAND and nothing else!๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ How could this happen to me? Where had Alishia gone? Who snatched my body? And most importantly, WHY????๐Ÿค”

I had this all figured out. I would not become the wife who had no life outside her husband or forgot what my life was like prior to marriage! I could not believe this! Then it dawned on me, I’d stop being intentional about ME! Mostly, women are predisposed to caring for everyone BUT themselves. We’ve also been societally exposed to the myth that becoming someone’s wife is the ultimate goal. ๐Ÿ˜ Some where, someone dropped the ball with this! Lol! Somehow self care became taboo and selfish (which essentially describes self-care but I’ll stay focused for now ๐Ÿ˜œ). How could anyone lead us to believe we are only considerate of ourselves when we decide to take a break from wife and mom duties, work, chores and thinking of everyone else?? How?

I drove myself nuts trying to come up with a reason for this but you know what? I’m DONE seeking it out! ๐Ÿคซ My energy can be spent PRACTICING self care instead of trying to figure out how or why it’s wrong to some people, lol! I have a right to “turn off”. Even God rested๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿผ! The almighty, all powerful God of the entire universe took a moment to sit back and enjoy the work of his hands! He admired what he created. He SAT DOWN! If he did, WHY WON’T WE?!?

After 19 months of marriage and bonus child (that’s what I call my stepson now, lol) rearing, I’ve realized I’ve placed this pressure to be everything ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผon ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผmy ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผself! And it’s senseless. I deserve a day off or new jeans that make my buns look amazing, lol! In fact, I SHOULD model God and RELAX sometimes. My husband does not even expect all these absurd things from me nor does my stepson. I told myslef to go above and beyond for no good reason, lol!

It’s okay to desire being a good wife, mom, friend, and loved one. Really, it is. The problem arises when we aspire to be super-wife/mom/friend/employee/boss/entrepeneur/etc…. There really is a season for everything, including REST. We tend to think of seasons as summer, fall, winter and spring, which is true in that aspect. However, seasons can switch more frequently than that. Especially when it comes to self care. And that is ok! Take some time to yourself. Even if it’s on the ride home. Don’t take the call! Decompress! Just say no! Lol! Then your…it happened moment will be you taking care of yourself for a change, lol!

You can be anything you want, just not everything at the same time. And that’s perfectly ok!

Until the next time…..

#notetoself #notetous #selfcare #superwomanisamyth

Posted in #NotetoSelf, #NotetoUs, Healing, Uncategorized

Iโ€™m Not Like You….

The current political climate has uncovered deeply rooted hatred in some and pain in others. Watching the news today is pretty reminiscent of the 60’s and 70’s (according to my parents and grandparents). The sight of police brutality, racially charged hate rallies or even reading some posts in which true hearts are revealed can be disheartening to say the least. We’d hope people would be sympathetic to the plight of a minority in America, specifically African Americans. No slight to other minorities, at all. I highlight this difference because it’s my culture, I live it and I have relatives who were actually alive during slavery. We’d hope someone else, although they have not had the same “American” experience, would decide to suffer with us. We’d hope they’d feel our pain, be sensitive to it and try putting themselves in our shoes right?๐Ÿ˜ Differences cause lots of issues, race just happens to be an obvious one but it’s not the only one.

I’ve spent the last year in a predominantly Caucasian church. From the very beginning I felt like a fish out of water because, well, I’m different. It was literally culture shock in every sense of the word. Different people, different music, different service style, different leadership type just different. But like most black people born in the 80’s and later, we’re open to change and trying new things; so I dived in.๐Ÿคธ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ•ณ

Needless to say, it was not fun nor a cake walk. I’ve found out I am a bit naive when it comes to my expecations of leaders everywhere but especially in the church. I have this strange idea that fairness and equity is a real thing people should operate in. I was SO wrong, lol! It appears hierarchy reigns (at most organizations) and we just have to fall in line. I can’t say whether or not this was intentional but it felt just like so many other things in the world; do things our way or face the consequences. Speaking up and out was usually dismissed as “the leader makes decisions and we have to follow them”. Okay, that’s obvious but at what point are we treated as individuals with minds, opinions, feelings and experiences and not a piece on an operational assembly line? If the person speaking out is different from you and your only rebuttal is “just do what the leader says” things start to seem a little strange and one sided.๐Ÿง

I’ve always been the one questioning status quo, searching for the truth/meaning behind things and willing to put myself out there for the sake of others. This is the first time in my life that this completely worked against me and I can’t find a reason other than I’m not like them….my approach, my thought process, my reasoning (or lack thereof), my experience, (you probably expected me to discuss race here, lol) there was not one string in which we could connect or be bonded although we were involved in the same ministry. How does that happen? Usually a group of singers or ushers or hospitality members find common ground strictly on the basis of working on the same team. So we have to ask ourselves, are we able to work with people who are not like us and actually value them? Or will we simply ask people to conform? Last time I checked scripture made it clear that we are not hear to conform to the views (racist, unaccepting, pious and cultish) of this world but be transformed in our minds (think, be, love like Jesus) and help others do the same (Romans 12:2). If we are not doing that in the church, what exactly are we doing? Church, of all places, should be one location where all colors, creeds, backgrounds, nationalities, personalites and the like can find peace and acceptance. And I don’t mean acceptance in the sense of do what you what, how you want and we’ll never say anything (that’s the extreme opposite of discrimination which isn’t cool either). But it should be a place where one feels safe.๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ

If things are happening in your local assembly where people believe they can’t speak up, and you are aware of this, you have a problem. There will always be an Alishia, somewhere. You know, the one who speaks up and out, asks questions, gets to the bottom of things, searches for deeper meaning and is all in all, an advocate. This person will likely be viewed as an agitator, rebel, leftist or anarachist of some sort; just reading those words will cause negative feelings in some people reading this, lol! But ask yourself, church leader, isn’t that EXACTLY what Jesus was, is and will be until He returns and cleans up this place? He challenged every thing that was not like his Father in Heaven. If anyone’s behavior, heart, rituals, practice or religion did not represent God he absolutely spoke up. He rebuked, He corrected, He chastised, HE SHOOK THINGS UP!! Ultimately causing people’s hearts to change and in turn created even more rebels! He was just as much ochampion as he was a troublemaker! Learn to embrace different views and perspectives. You may find some things could and should change simply because you willingly and enthusiatically accept the fact that I’m not like you……โœŠ๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿผโœ…๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿงกโค๏ธ๐Ÿ–ค

Until the next time…..

#notetoself #notetous#differentiscool #advocate

Posted in #MeToo, #NotetoSelf, #NotetoUs, Healing, Sexual Abuse, Who am I??

#METOO

I have not blogged in months, literally. This morning while scrolling facebook, because I really want to stay home today ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚, I noticed how many women AND men posted #MeToo. Iโ€™m amazed that 2017 has not yet leant itself to being transparent about sexual abuse, until Hollywood started…

The topic has always been so taboo and in our true โ€œpretend like it didnโ€™t happen and it will go awayโ€ fashion. We see how well thatโ€™s been working ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜. Iโ€™ll start with myself. For years, until I finally broke down to my father in 2012, Iโ€™d always openly shared my history of sexual abuse with friends and even strangers. Somehow I believed I had to protect the ones who hurt me. Ironic much?!?! ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”ย I carried the burden of guilt, shame and feelings of low to no self worth. I often asked myself questions like โ€œDid you askย to be hurtโ€? โ€œWas there something youย could have done differentlyโ€? โ€œWere you carrying ย yourself a certain wayโ€? I asked myself THE SAME questions others asked me when I released the information about this. And the same feelings of condemnation and shame flooded my heart and mind when I turned around and blamed myself like others had done.

Iโ€™ve been date raped (by 3 guys at once, letโ€™s not even talk about the blame I received on this one). Iโ€™ve been molested by loved ones, which went on for years. Iโ€™ve been manipulated into statutory rape (he was much older and NO I didnโ€™t want it, he convinced me I owed him and due to my history of sexual abuse, I obliged). Iโ€™ve also been date raped by a โ€œboyfriendโ€ after repeatedly saying NO. It meant nothing and he proceeded to โ€œtake what was hisโ€. ๐Ÿ˜“๐Ÿ˜“ Iโ€™ve also had loved ones think my siblings and I were sex toys in their twisted fantasies. I watched my mother give herself away for drugs. My life, even at times now, revolved around sex! The abuse and exposure to these things at an early age warped my view of love. I thought โ€œwell if I care about them I guess I have to give them sexโ€ ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ Sounds crazy right? Then there are those who experienced things like this and worse but became cold to sex. And are now struggling to be intimate in marriage because sex brings back awful feelings.

To my younger self, current self and fellow #MeTooโ€™s in the world, IT IS/WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! Let go of the condemnation and guilt! Let go of the need to protect your abuser! I know, you donโ€™t want to hurt anybody but you donโ€™t see youโ€™re HURTING YOURSELF more by being silent! You may not be ready to face your abuser, especially if itโ€™s family or clergy ๐Ÿ˜ฑ, yep, family and family friends are top sexual assailants. Donโ€™t blame me, blame the stats๐Ÿคท๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ. But you HAVE to TELL SOMEBODY. YOU HAVE TO BREAK THE CYCLE! Your silence is putting your babies at risk. Your silence is giving your abuser a proverbial โ€œpat on the backโ€. BREAK FREE! HEAL! OUTLOUD!! I love you, now you love you!

Until the next time…..

#NotetoSelf #NotetoUs #MeToo #NoOneElse #IfICanHelpIt #WeHealTogether #OutLoud ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’š