I have not blogged in months, literally. This morning while scrolling facebook, because I really want to stay home today 😂😂, I noticed how many women AND men posted #MeToo. I’m amazed that 2017 has not yet leant itself to being transparent about sexual abuse, until Hollywood started…
The topic has always been so taboo and in our true “pretend like it didn’t happen and it will go away” fashion. We see how well that’s been working 😏😏. I’ll start with myself. For years, until I finally broke down to my father in 2012, I’d always openly shared my history of sexual abuse with friends and even strangers. Somehow I believed I had to protect the ones who hurt me. Ironic much?!?! 🤔🤔 I carried the burden of guilt, shame and feelings of low to no self worth. I often asked myself questions like “Did you ask to be hurt”? “Was there something you could have done differently”? “Were you carrying yourself a certain way”? I asked myself THE SAME questions others asked me when I released the information about this. And the same feelings of condemnation and shame flooded my heart and mind when I turned around and blamed myself like others had done.
I’ve been date raped (by 3 guys at once, let’s not even talk about the blame I received on this one). I’ve been molested by loved ones, which went on for years. I’ve been manipulated into statutory rape (he was much older and NO I didn’t want it, he convinced me I owed him and due to my history of sexual abuse, I obliged). I’ve also been date raped by a “boyfriend” after repeatedly saying NO. It meant nothing and he proceeded to “take what was his”. 😓😓 I’ve also had loved ones think my siblings and I were sex toys in their twisted fantasies. I watched my mother give herself away for drugs. My life, even at times now, revolved around sex! The abuse and exposure to these things at an early age warped my view of love. I thought “well if I care about them I guess I have to give them sex” 😱😱 Sounds crazy right? Then there are those who experienced things like this and worse but became cold to sex. And are now struggling to be intimate in marriage because sex brings back awful feelings.
To my younger self, current self and fellow #MeToo’s in the world, IT IS/WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! Let go of the condemnation and guilt! Let go of the need to protect your abuser! I know, you don’t want to hurt anybody but you don’t see you’re HURTING YOURSELF more by being silent! You may not be ready to face your abuser, especially if it’s family or clergy 😱, yep, family and family friends are top sexual assailants. Don’t blame me, blame the stats🤷🏻♀️. But you HAVE to TELL SOMEBODY. YOU HAVE TO BREAK THE CYCLE! Your silence is putting your babies at risk. Your silence is giving your abuser a proverbial “pat on the back”. BREAK FREE! HEAL! OUTLOUD!! I love you, now you love you!
Until the next time…..
#NotetoSelf #NotetoUs #MeToo #NoOneElse #IfICanHelpIt #WeHealTogether #OutLoud 💜💜💜💙💙💙💛💛💛💚💚💚